It has been a while since posting on my blog. Originally, I created this blog as an outlet for the turmoil and sting I felt going back to work and leaving my daughter. Soon, I adjusted to my new life as a “stay at work mommy” and used the blog to document various milestones that many mothers face. My daughter is now 17 months old. After a few months of posts, my creativity ran dry and I had tons of stories, but no energy to type! Motherhood is amazing and I am so blessed to have been given the gift of raising a little life….keeping a blog is another story.
My husband and I were ready to have another baby from the get go. We enjoyed every aspect of parenthood…and still do. There are aspects I enjoy more than others, but nonetheless, I enjoy it all…WE enjoy it all. Now more than ever, we appreciate our little Selah.
Recently we found out we were expecting. We started trying when Selah was 10 months old. We were so excited when we saw that the pregnancy test said positive. I was sick as a dog, taking nausea medicine, and my first OB appointment was down. I was 10 weeks into my pregnancy and filled with excitement. We had purchased a little pumpkin to place on our front porch with the other pumpkins for Halloween to represent our newest little family member, I began telling my colleagues at work and our neighbors, and we were getting ready to make it official (a.k.a. facebook announcement)! What should the name be? We googled, searched, and made lists. We had a boy’s name and girl’s name. We planned the nursery, I had gained weight, I got out my pregnancy clothing, and we talked endlessly about Selah’s little brother or sister. Unfortunately, I lost the baby. We were devastated and heart broken. The words, “I’m sorry honey, but it looks like the baby stopped growing…I’m so sorry for your loss” will forever ring in the memory of my ears. I wanted to say, “Are you sure?” but instead, I cried. I was so sad. How can one be so pregnant for 2 ½ months and then NOTHING? Why?
On that day, as I went over and over what I could have done and why this could have happened, a Peace truly surrounded me. The realization that God is the giver and taker of life was never clearer than on that day. We were sad, yes, but we were (are) sure that God is sovereign, God has a plan, and God has a purpose. “A man can plan his steps, but the Lord’s purpose will prevail” – Proverbs 19:21….Oh how I had planned the when, the how…the EVERYTHING. And now, I was faced with the reality that I am NOT in control of my life or the life of my children. What a big bite to swallow for this self-proclaimed control freak! The trust in God didn’t take away the sorrow; don’t get me wrong. Instead, the trust permitted me to see the miscarriage as one of the many steps in my refinement to become more like my Christ. How thankful I am that my hope, happiness, and peace do not lie in the circumstances of this world, but rather, in the life and resurrection of Jesus Christ. If I am never given another child, I still have the hope of eternal life, the love of my Savior, and the trust that God’s plan is bigger (and better) than my own.
Again, this is not an easy pill to swallow. I have forever struggled with trusting God with my life, my plans, and my worry. The disillusionment that I am in control remains a reality for me. I find myself asking God, “Are you sure?” on a pretty consistent basis. I then proceed with my own plans and hope that God sees that my plan is in fact more logical! However, this miscarriage has truly taught me so much. I don’t mean, “has taught me so much so I’m going to write a blog to make sure you know that I learned a lesson” taught me so much. But truthfully, I have experienced God in a way no other circumstance in my life has allowed me to.
I learned on a deeper level that….
-God cares intensely about my hurt and my tears. “You keep track of all my sorrows. You have collected all my tears in your bottle. You have recorded each one in your book.” Psalm 56:8
-The blessing of life is a gift that is ordained by our Creator God. “You saw me before I was born. Every day of my life was recorded in your book. Every moment was laid out before a single day had passed.” Psalm 139:16
-Selah, my daughter, is a gift…a miracle. “Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows.” James 1:17
-God’s plans are bigger and better than my own….as hard as that is to wrap my mind around! “For I know the plans I have for you, ‘declares the Lord,’ plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future.” Jeremiah 29:11
I don’t know what God has in store for our family. We hope and pray it is more children. The fear that God may not give me more is very real and present in my life. I have a desire for more. I don’t pretend to believe that the lessons learned on a deeper level are done with no more need to be sophisticated. I also know that the pain and circumstances I encountered are nothing compared to so many around this world, in my community, within my circle of friends, or within my family. All I can say, to end this blog, is that I experienced a miscarriage….I hated it and never want to experience it again…..but through it all, God was there.